Me favorite St. Paddy's Day joke

[digger242j]

Since many here may not have seen this where I posted it several years ago, here it is:

Me favorite St. Paddy's day joke...

What single invention constituted the greatest cultural advancement in the history of mankind?






The wheelbarrow, because it got the Irish to walk on their hind legs.... :bouncegri

Happy Saint Patrick's day! :drinkup

[Jeff D.]

Since many here may not have seen this where I posted it several years ago, here it is:

The darndest thing is Digger......It's still not funny.:sleeping
Naw,it's actually a good joke.I'm just funnin' with ya!!:bouncegri

Happy St. Patrick's day everyone,and have one for me.:drinkup

No,have two for me....er,three I mean!Three and that's IT!!
That's an odd number though....have an even four for me and then head out.
Unless someone show's up I know,then just one or two more,then go!
But the band starts at 9,so you may as well watch the first set,and then go!
Ooohh,that one super fine chick just walked in alone.Set her up with one,and you might as well get me another one too!!
Well,now she's waving too you.You HAVE to go and talk to her.Slam a courage shot,and might as well get a couple more,one for me and one for her.
Now your too drunk too drive,so see if she'll give you a ride home.She doesn't want to leave yet,and she's your ride,so might as well have a couple more.You don't have to drive,ya big baby.God,your such a lightweight!!Now that dork over there is eyeing her up too.What the *%$#&* I'm standing right here.What am I,invisible??Maybe Don Won just needs a little attitude adjustment,and luckily I brung my wrenches with.One more,and if pretty boy ain't put his eyeballs elsewhere by the time I'm done maybe we'll just step into my office outside.Don't you start in with me too,what are you my Mom now??

And then it's morning the next day,and you looked like you were pulled through a knothole,sheez!!:bouncegri
(Ain't nothing more annoying than ex smoker's,or drinker's is there?)Hee-Hee

Happy St. Paddy's Day......and I really do mean it!!:drinkup
(but just don't act like me):nono

[Dozerboy]

Happy green beer day:drinkup :drinkup

[digger242j]

No,have two for me....er,three I mean!Three and that's IT!!
That's an odd number though...........................And then it's morning the next day,and you looked like you were pulled through a knothole,sheez!!

LOL! I remember that night too! (Well, I think I remember...) :)

Proverb: An Irishman is never drunk, as long as he can hang on to one single blade of grass, and not fall off the face of the earth. :drinkup

[digger242j]

Since Squizzy (in another thread) just mentioned an Irish joke, and since it's still St Patrick's day here, for about another hour and a half, here are a few jokes forwarded to me...

>Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because
> he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
> parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord
> take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I
> will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life
> and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a
> parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and
> said, "Never mind, I found one."
>


> Father Donegan walks into a pub in Donegal, and says
> to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to
> heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest
> said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then
> the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go
> to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's
> reply. "Then stand over there against the wall,"
> said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to
> O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
> O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said,
> "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
> you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole
> said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were
> getting a group together to go right now."
>


> Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was
> dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he
> had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
> "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I
> died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are
> ye callin' from?"
>


> An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
> stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state
> trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
> then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
> car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just
> water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why
> do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and
> says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
>


> Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the
> bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another
> fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said
> Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was
> over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and
> knees". "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a
> switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from
> under the bed, you little chicken."
>


> Flynn staggered home very late after another evening
> with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes
> to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as
> quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to
> their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom
> step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister,
> his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
> rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and
> made the landing especially painful. Managing not to
> yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
> looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks
> were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a
> full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as
> best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid
> the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
> stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke
> up with searing pain in both his head and butt and
> Mary staring at him from across the room. She said,
> "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn
> said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary
> said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
> the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it
> could be the drops of blood trailing through the
> house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
> mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall
> mirror.
>

:D

[Squizzy246B]

An Aussie is on holidays in Ireland and stops in at a little roadside pub one cold friday night in a litle village.

He is enjoying the Irish Cheer and warmth of the place when one of locals shouts out "Number 14"...everybody laughs and giggles. Awhile later another local shouts out "Number 9" which is followed by much mirth and laughter. The Aussie turns to Paddy the barman and asks whats all this about; Paddy explains that its such a small town that everybody has heard everybody elses jokes so many times that they just gave the all the old jokes a number to save time.

After awhile, and a bit more Irish cheer the Aussie decides he's going to give this a go and yells out "Number 44"...the place nearly burst open with howling laughter. The locals are rolling on the floor with tears in their eyes they laugh so hard. The Aussie looks to Paddy for an exclamation and pays "Aye thats a good one, they aint never eard that un before"

[wrenchbender]

Digger, the one bout Flynn now that's funny sho nuff funny.

[digger242j]

And I never did hear that one from Squizzy before. :thumbsup

I thought I had though, right up until the end.

Just so I don't have to re-type it all, it's essentially the same story, but after the Aussie shouts out "number 44", the place is dead silent...He looks to Paddy for enlightenment, and Paddy says, "Hey, Some people are just no good at telling jokes..." :beatsme

:D

[Squizzy246B]

And I never did hear that one from Squizzy before. :thumbsup

I thought I had though, right up until the end.

Just so I don't have to re-type it all, it's essentially the same story, but after the Aussie shouts out "number 44", the place is dead silent...He looks to Paddy for enlightenment, and Paddy says, "Hey, Some people are just no good at telling jokes..." :beatsme

:D


No way...my version is much better...you see Joke No 44 is about Murphy the Irish lanscaper who has a squeaky wheelbarrow........:Pointhead

[digger242j]

No way...my version is much better...


Yeah, but if I could have told it right, you'd have laughed... :(

[Squizzy246B]

Can't help myself!

Mick an Paddy are keeping a bedside vigil as their old mate Murphy draws his last gasp. Just before he shifts off his mortal coil he asks his mates for a final request...to be buried at sea. The good friends reassure their mate it will be done and Murphy dies in peace.

A couple of days later Paddy an Mick are rowing out to sea to complete Murphys last wish. Mick jumps over the side and the water comes up to his waist...Paddy says that its not deep enough so they row a bit further. Mick jumps over the side and the water comes up to his neck but Paddys says its not deep enough yet...so on they row. After awhile Mick jumps over the side and dissappears below the water...after a few moments he reappears spluttering at the surface and Paddy says "is it deep enough then Mick?" and Mick says "sure is Paddy, pass me the shovel"